I have fantasized here before about a land where women do not reward douchebags with sex, and eventually they give up and go away. Evidently that land is Denmark, and this one pickup artist/travel writer (sure) is SO MAD ABOUT IT.
Read this. It’s amazing.
Here’s what I said about these assholes last time. I really can’t improve on it:
The guy who believes insulting you will inspire you to prove him wrong, because you crave his approval? The guy who believes consent is best achieved through trickery? The guy who believes you are a Rubik’s Cube, and he’s the savant who can solve you in 14 seconds, through a set of simple, memorized steps? That guy? That guy is THE WORST. That guy does not think you are a person. That guy thinks you are a car for your vagina, and he is so mad that he has to ask for the keys.
Seriously, fuck these guys, by which I mean please please for the love of all that’s holy do not fuck these guys. They’re stray cats. Stop feeding them.
To the regular readers,
Hello, you beautiful babies! Did you do something with your hair? You look AMAZING. Remember that in-joke we always tell? HAHAHAHAHA! We are always laughing together. Just some normal stuff after the jump, okay?
(Forgive us this day our image sizing. The post has been deleted, and this image came to me via text message attachment. We here at CLGH love us some consistent formatting, but FUCK, how am I not gonna post this one?)
“Listen, boys. It’s enchilada night, so I don’t want to hear another word about pizza, okay? You want a short order cook, you hire one. You want a sexy older lady with a house elf fantasy who lives to serve messy boys, you get me. I used Order of the Phoenix like most ladies used 50 Shades, if you catch my drift. Now is the master gonna give ol’ Dobby here some clothes or what?” – A real human woman who definitely exists
Halloween costume idea:
Don’t say I never gave you anything.
I LEGITIMATELY TRIED TO BE NICE TO YOU VAGINAS, YOU PEOPLE. I BARKED EMOTIONS WORDS INTO THE INTERNET, AND AIN’T A ONE OF YOU SAT ON IT YET. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN???
Daaaaaaaamn, son. I didn’t respond before, because I was all, “This Nice Guy(TM) is too nice. I’ll bet he is super boring and nice. I am going to find a bad boy with his own motorbike. I’ll swat at his dick like a tetherball 23 hours a day. (The other hour is for making his fantasies come true.)” But now you’re speakin’ my language! Plus I’m real… Should I request that he “Eat Me,” or do you think the line is already too long?
Outta the way. bitches! I saw him FIRST. I’m fi’in to get dicked down by this Internet Stranger, about whom I know absolutely nothing, except that he is aware of the weather in our town and wants to use my genitals to perform a skill he has neglected for years.
You ladies may be all like, why has it been years? Has he been in a sexual dry spell, or did he just spend a while being a selfish asshole? So, like, now he wants to knock the rust off his flabby, atrophied jaw muscles by giving some no-stakes head to a faceless vagina with legs? Tricks, I will BE that faceless vagina with legs. Chicken heads all jealous.
Tyler… Carol and I aren’t going to be very naughty girls again until you take a shower. I could mop the floor with that hair of yours. And for the love of god, change your shirt this time! If you shower and put that filthy Dark Knight t-shirt back on, I will show you WHY SO SERIOUS, trust me. I did a bunch of your laundry when I washed my boys’ stuff yesterday; there’s no excuse.
No, thank you, we aren’t coming with you. This is a business shower, mister. Carol and I are going to finish our wine. Now you march! We’ll be just as in need of a spanking after you’ve washed. Honestly…
AND TYLER! SOAP THIS TIME, OKAY? DID YOU HEAR ME? DON’T JUST STAND UNDER THE WATER UP THERE!
Pros: Minimal time commitment, not picky
Cons: Reciprocation not promised or even vaguely implied, learner’s permit